Archive - No New Jeffs

Turning Each Other Into Cartoon Characters

A few days ago I found myself spelunking the internet’s anus again, scrolling through the expertly curated “news” articles our Google overlords sent to…

Mar 3, 2023 •

February 2023

I Didn't Know What The Fork To Do

I’ve reached a point in my life where things are relatively settled. I don’t, on a regular basis, have too many monumental decisions to make. It’s…

Feb 3, 2023 •

January 2023

I Could Do Without The Disclaimers

I was talking with someone recently who seemed genuinely distressed by the fact that he was about to turn 26. I gave him my standard response to such…

Jan 2, 2023 •

November 2022

I Sometimes Have A Hard Time Holding Back The Codger

At work I was recently asked, in front of a bunch of people, about my first car. Everybody was younger, of course; I’m almost always the oldest person…

Nov 3, 2022 •

October 2022

Controversial: Not Everything Was Better When We Were Young

It feels like most people in my approximate age group (old) believe things were much, much better when they were young. I’ve made that claim too…

Oct 1, 2022 •

September 2022

The Decade of Doom?

My wife Toney and I have been together for about 30 years now and I recall a conversation she and I had during the earliest days of our relationship. It…

Sep 2, 2022 •

August 2022

Surviving The Two-Week Notice Syndrome

Have you ever worked out a notice at a job? It’s excruciating. You’re excited about the next chapter of your life and have romantic visions of how much…

Aug 1, 2022 •

July 2022

Even Old TV Shows Stress Me Out Now

A few years ago, while powering through every episode of The Fugitive, I found myself obsessively checking the IMDB pages of actors from the program who…

Jul 1, 2022 •

June 2022

We Have No Additional Questions

I recently received an email that opened this way: SiriusXM is conducting a survey about your listening habits. The survey will only take 10 minutes or…

Jun 1, 2022 •

May 2022

The Way Old Folks Operate

When I was a kid my grandfather Kay would eat a sensible meat and potatoes dinner at exactly 5 pm and go to bed right after Walter Cronkite went off, at…

May 1, 2022 •

April 2022

This Is How It Begins, And I’m Obviously Not Prepared

I don’t go to the doctor very often, because I’m afraid of them. Every time my wife badgers me into making an appointment I’m convinced they’ll discover…

Apr 1, 2022 •

March 2022

History Begins When You're 12 (And Ends When You're 35)

I generally try to be fair, but not always. Sometimes I just want to go off on an unhinged rant and say the most outlandish things. It’s great fun. The…

Mar 1, 2022 •

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