Turning Each Other Into Cartoon Characters

A few days ago I found myself spelunking the internet’s anus again, scrolling through the expertly curated “news” articles our Google overlords sent to my phone. I never recall actually clicking on the Google News app, because who would? Yet, I’m somehow using it on a semi-regular basis; it seems to just occasionally appear before me. In any case, I saw something there that really boiled my cabbage.

I mean, that application never fails to irritate. But it usually falls under the heading of ‘Why are they feeding me this trash?!’ or ‘Who in God’s name would read such an article?’ or ‘Yet another piece about Dodie from My Three Sons?’ But this time it was a different kind of annoyance. The article (at some highly questionable website) was entitled 40 Things Boomers Still Think Are Cool. Or something very close to that. I couldn’t locate the specific piece, but this is the bare-bones list. Unfortunately, it’s on an old-fashioned internet forum for fans of the QVC shopping network, which doesn’t help matters at all.

The whole “OK, boomer” thing bugs me. Which, I suppose, is what it was designed to do. It’s very dismissive. However, we oldsters have been taking shots at the younger generations for years. So, I suppose we’re fair game? The problem, of course, is the fact we’re all using broad brushes and turning entire generations into cartoon characters. I’m as guilty as anyone. But it’s a lot funnier when I do it.

I am technically a baby boomer (1946 to 1964) but arrived at the very ass-end of it. I don’t want to be accused of gen-jumping, but think I relate more with Generation X (1965 to 1980) than someone born in 1946. Indeed, when I look at that list it doesn’t really pertain to me. But I’m lumped in, regardless. We’re all just “old” whether we’re boomers or Gen X or even some of the Millennials (1981 to 1996). The oldest members of that much-maligned group are 42, which is one foot in the grave to a 20-year-old.

While scrolling through the 40 items on that list it mostly felt like stuff my parents and their generation engage in, not mine. But there are a few that stick out for various reasons, and I’ll briefly discuss them.

Cursive writing. Youngsters are apparently not taught this anymore, or how to tell time on an analog clock. Or, as we call it, a clock. So, they get a lot of grief about it from our side. But now they’re turning it around and making themselves heroes for not knowing how to do something? They’ll tell you it’s obsolete and it’s time to get with the program, pops. Whatever. We were taught it, you weren’t. I don’t really understand why you weren’t, but that is neither here nor there. Nobody’s a hero in the world of cursive writing. Except maybe some of those crazy calligraphers, they’re fairly impressive.

Fossil fuels. We think they’re “cool?” Yeah, it never fails to impress my friends and co-workers when I regale them with my latest tales of oil changes and fill-ups at Sam’s Club. When I put gas in my lawnmower people gather ‘round and just want to be in the presence of a man like me. Because I’m so freaking cool.

Ironing. I iron a shirt every day, before I leave for work. You know why? Because I don’t want to look like I slept in it. And now I’m supposed to feel self-conscious about this? I’m a throwback to a dying era because I prefer not to adopt the “I pulled this shit straight out of the hamper” look? Or am I supposed to pay someone else to iron my stuff? Is that the part that makes me an old fogey? Piss off.

Bar soap. Body wash is like cleaning your junk with dish soap. I guess it gets the job done, but why? What’s next, Tide pods on a rope up our ass? Just leave me and my Ivory alone.

Meatloaf. Oh please. Meatloaf is a delight, both on the night it’s first served and again the next day on a sandwich. Is it going out of style like bologna? I was lukewarm on that stuff, but I’ll fight a man who attempts to get between me and a brick-sized hunk o’ meatloaf. If this makes me an old coot, so be it. Enjoy your avocado toast, asshole.

Gendered everything. I don’t understand this one. It feels like someone is trying to shoehorn in some kind of political statement, and it doesn’t really fit. Gendered everything? Like, “Man, this strawberry is good. He’s sweet and juicy.” I’ve never heard anything like that, and I’m happy about it.

Giving retail workers a hard time. This isn’t a boomer thing, it’s a 40-something thing. You know, if we’re going to continue to stereotype and generalize. They’re the ones who are perpetually in a hurry, ‘cause they’re oh-so-important. The old people like to chat. Am I wrong about that?

The whole premise of the list annoys me, because it’s dismissive and insulting. But this kind of thing has been going on forever. Different generations are always taking shots at one another. Usually the older ones say the younger ones are soft and have a terrible work ethic, and the younger ones say the older ones are out of touch and not open to change. None of this is new.

I remember a story about Ronald Reagan when he was governor of California (which is weird). He was always hassling the hippies, and at some point, a group of student leaders demanded to meet with him. He claimed most came to his office barefoot, wearing jeans with holes in them, and sat slouched in chairs. One started telling him that people of Reagan’s age were out of touch with the younger generation, and couldn’t possibly understand them. They didn’t grow up with jet air travel, electronic communication, computers, and rockets flying to the moon and back. Reagan reportedly answered, “It’s true that we didn’t have those things. We invented them.”

The interesting thing about that? Those dismissive and insulting hippies were boomers.

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