We Have No Additional Questions

I recently received an email that opened this way: SiriusXM is conducting a survey about your listening habits. The survey will only take 10 minutes or so to complete. Huh, I thought, I wouldn’t mind doing that. I’m happy to boost my favorite channels (Indie 1.0, Marky Ramone’s Punk Rock Blitzkrieg, the Beatles Channel), and enjoy pushing my musical opinions on people in any situation. Including, but not limited to, funerals and DUI checkpoints.

So, I settled in, cracked my knuckles like a concert pianist, and adjusted my inner sensors to the 10 minutes mentioned in the email. The first question: What is your age? I dutifully entered the number and prepared to go down the rabbit hole of personal satellite radio sentiments. I was excited. But a message appeared (without delay) that said something along the lines of Thank you for participating. We have no additional questions for you.

What in the open and shut shit?! I sat there staring at the screen for a couple of seconds, blinking in confusion. Then I realized: I now fall into a demographic whose opinions are not important to corporations, not one tiny bit. My preferences, at this point, mean less than nothing.

And why is that, exactly? Why do I no longer matter, especially now that I finally have a little money to spend? You’re telling me my opinions were more important when I was living off 3 for $2 Fox Deluxe frozen pizzas and Rolling Rock 8-packs? It makes no sense to me. I did some research, and it appears that anyone who is past their mid-40s is perceived to be set in their ways. “You know what you want and you’re probably not going to change your mind because a commercial said so,” was how one website summarized the situation.

Is that true? It put me on the defensive, but I wanted to be at least semi-fair about it. Am I inflexible and not open to new products and services? Heck, SiriusXM wanted to know about my “listening habits,” they said. Why am I not included in that discussion? Did they just assume I’d be another baby boomer gushing about the greatness of Pink Floyd and Creedence Clearwater Revival? I doubt it. I have a feeling the survey was really about the stuff we buy and the type of advertisers they should target. And I’m in the “locked-in” category, no longer worthy of pursuit. Boy, that really smokes my brisket.

So, I started thinking about it. Am I truly locked-in on things? Food brands? Well… I know what I like. Is that so awful? Cars? I have my opinions. Restaurants? I’m skeptical about the ones I haven’t tried and decided long ago about the ones I have. Toiletries? 100% locked-in. Household products? Literally whatever’s on sale; who cares?

Yeah, none of that made me feel any better. So, I decided to look at it from a different point of view. Where have I changed course after my mid-40s? Has it ever happened?

Well, I adopted a new attitude toward underwear after I found myself constantly plucking and adjusting down there and making some weird twisting motion like I was cranking up the volume on my scrotum. For decades I just bought another bale o’ cheap boxer briefs from Target or Walmart when necessary and it was barely an afterthought. Then the lifting and shoving kicked in and I was thrown into a mysterious and shadowy world of premium undergarments. It felt like the ground was shifting beneath my feet.

Also, in 2021 (I think) LG stopped making cell phones and I was forced to go in a different direction. Yes, LG. What of it? They made a damn good phone, always with a great camera. I stubbornly resisted joining the Apple or Samsung cults. You’re not going to manipulate me, you fucks. I’m not one of your easy marks, desperate to be cool and with-it. …Oh God, that attitude doesn’t help my case either, does it?

And in both of those instances I was FORCED to make a change. I would’ve happily stayed the course and continued sending off-color texts to my friends via the latest LG phone while sporting a $2 pair of droopy-ass Hanes. You know, if they still made those phones and I wasn’t suddenly dealing with a situation not unlike a tube sock with two eggs in the bottom. So, I don’t know if any of that is helpful at all.

A couple of weeks ago I was in a grocery store and decided I wanted to buy a big jar of peanut butter. I work late and often find myself foraging for a snack before bedtime. Peanut butter is always a good choice, and I hadn’t seen it around our place for a while. So, I finally found the correct aisle and the big jars of JIF were sold out. They only had the tiny ones that I’d never consider. I frowned and noticed they had the Skippy big ‘uns. Did I dare? I’m a JIF guy, tried and true. I couldn’t remember if I’d even had Skippy in my life. Certainly not since Three Dog Night was in the charts.

So, I rolled the dice and threw caution to the wind. It sent a jolt of excitement through me, like I was doing something mischievous. I think my eyes were darting around to make sure nobody saw me acting so recklessly. Turns out, both brands taste exactly the same; I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the difference if you’d put a gun to my head. And for decades I was locked-in on JIF, would’ve never even CONSIDERED Skippy. Indeed, when I saw it on the shelf my brain basically canceled it out, I only saw a blank spot where the jars were sitting. How did it happen? I’m not sure.

But it was way before I reached my mid-40s, that’s for certain. Probably back when I was eating those tragic pizzas or earlier. Ugh! Everything was starting to come into focus, and I was understanding why my opinions are not required anymore. It doesn’t matter about the current amount of disposable income a person might have. The advertisers need to snag us while the research is being conducted, not after it’s done. It’s the long game. Convince ‘em while they’re still trying to get a handle on life, and you’ll have them forever.

As I continue to think about this stuff, I no longer know whether I should be annoyed or not. On the one hand, who wants to be irrelevant? Not me. But, on the other, I take a little bit of pleasure out of the fact that they can’t get to us anymore. We’re not susceptible to their manipulations at this point. You can’t break us; we were manipulated long ago by the true giants of manipulation. Ha! I laugh in your face.

So, I’m not sure. However, if you want my thoughts on why Pink Floyd is shit, just let me know. I still have some pent-up opinions on that deal.

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Until next month!